A dream

November 2

I feel like I’m disappearing. Dissolving.
Again. I’m in this again.
How can this be?
I have no idea what’s happening and when an opportunity arrives for me to take charge, I wave at it limply and look away.

November 6

Brains are so funny and good (and bad). I’m not mad at this quirk of mine though. I’m grateful I can laugh this much. It feels just as good as dancing it out at Sofi Tukker. Some molecule-realigning type of thing. Maybe hopefully some bad juju escaping like in My Neighbor Totoro. It feels just like that.


November 13

I don’t want to go back! But I did.
I didn’t want to stay either.
I don’t want to stay because it’s hard.
I don’t want to go because I’m afraid I’ll forget everything I learned.

It feels like nothing in the past month mattered. But it mattered so much.
And now what?


November 17

I wish I could show you all of my life. The expanse and depth of it – all the things I love.
I would love for you to know it – me. I would love to be so seen.

March 7

94
if (touched by love’s own secret) we, like homing
through welcoming sweet miracles of air
(and joyfully all truths of wing resuming)
selves, into infinite tomorrow steer

– souls under whom flow (mountain valley forest)
a million wheres which never may become
one (wholly strange; familiar wholly) dearest
more than reality of more than dream –

how should contented fools of fact envision
the mystery of freedom? Yet, among
their loud exactitudes of imprecision
you’ll (silently alighting) and i’ll sing

while at us very deafly a most stares
Colossal hoax of clocks and calendars

e.e. cummings

March 13

I think I’m kind of over my free spirit era. Not really on board with the vision anymore. Don’t believe the story.

I’m actively avoiding my roommate, even though I enjoyed hanging out with him the other night. I’m closed off from new friends. I’m practicing seven layers of projection aikido with men I’m attracted to and they have no idea what’s happening. The vibe is dour. My shine is matte. I am bringing nothing to the party. I’m not even motivated enough for Hinge. And I normally love a dopamine injection!

March 14

So there we have the dream killer. The dream necessitates a split from reality in order to bring itself about, but it’s so dangerous. My dreams are ideal. My dreams are picture perfect. My dreams are everything and they therefore cannot be. My bubble will always burst. So why bother?

April 7

My mom said “make your moves today” – what moves? I have no moves to make. I lay down. I bought a sweater. I ate noodles and ice cream. I watched Avatar the Last Airbender for the 80th time and I cried thinking about other people’s grief.

May 27

I don't feel real when I'm here. Neither does the world around me. I'll stand and look at a beautiful building and I see it, but I can't seem to wrap my head around it in a way that solidifies it in front of me as a part of my life. It's like I'm dreaming in that it feels like nothing I do matters.

May 31

Awake, thinking about the dream. The dream is magic. The dream imbues everything with meaning. Lights, colors, and deepens all it touches. Why wouldn't you want to be in the dream? It's so much more fun.

June 17

It feels impossible to be here, almost like the more I try the further away I get. I feel like I’m falling and I can’t grab onto anything. I can’t reconcile "me" in this moment with "me" when I get back, so I feel lost in the space between.

June 26

Why is it that only in these last few days, I arrived somehow in a place where it absolutely does not feel ok? Where I don’t want it to end. I don’t want it to end.


June 28

The further I get in distance, then time, the more I think that it really was all a dream.